Hannah davies: the year i broke my back
Last year my relationship with mountain biking changed. On the 3rd of August I broke my back and I am unsure whether I will ever feel the same about riding again. And that’s ok.
I’ve been riding bikes for almost 10 years. I started at University, and my love grew and grew. I ended up working in the bike industry and developed a sense of riding being a part of my identity. More recently I’ve had a big crash and I’m not sure that I feel the same way anymore.
In the months prior to my crash I had done some of my best riding. Taking part in races, hitting new features and going on my first riding holiday. I had a general buzz of confidence and felt happy with my ability.
Fast forward to August and I found myself riding at a local Bike Park. I had had an amazing day, went for a walk, had a lovely lunch out with a friend, and then hit the trails for an evening uplift session. I wanted to tick off some new features that evening, and there was one in particular that I wanted to take a look at.
We rode all evening and then on the last run (yes the last run!) I decided to give it a go. It’s a large wooden drop, similar to a couple that I had done before, so I was feeling pretty confident about it. My friends stood by as I rode into it, nothing felt out of the ordinary. I went off the edge of the drop and instantly knew. I wasn’t going to make the landing. The next thing I knew my face was smashing into the banking. I felt a huge pain in my back. I sat up, and my friends rushed around me. I had hit my face pretty badly, ripping the chin bar off my full face. Everyone was so concerned with my face, a second thought wasn’t given to my back. I’d never broken a bone and had no idea what it would feel like. I believed wholeheartedly that I had pulled a muscle. So I got up, got into the quad, then into the van and off to hospital. I won’t bore you with the details, but the next 24 hours were not nice. Finding out that I broke my back, and that I would be in a brace for a while, didn’t go down well.
The recovery process was strange. The first week I was very sore, very tight and I was still coming to terms with what had happened. I spent a lot of time replaying the crash in my head, thinking what if. What if I didn't do the drop? Why didn’t I ride a different trail? What if I didn’t ride that evening at all? This went around my head all day every day.
A couple of weeks in, and the pain was a lot better. I was getting used to wearing my brace and I had got into a rhythm. I had come to terms with the fact that we were no longer going on our Scotland trip and had found new projects to do around the house. My partner and his family were doing lots of work in our living room, knocking walls down and re-plastering, so I had a focus, and lots of cups of coffee to make!
I was in the brace for a further 4 weeks (6 weeks in total). It felt like a long time. Once the brace was off, I was told to take another 4 weeks doing mild exercise only. I was allowed to ride my bike, but not allowed to crash! In this time, I did one easy ride with a friend. It was really good to be out and back on the bike, albeit a much more cautious ride than before. Once the 4 weeks were up I was allowed to go back to normal. But this was where it got tricky. No-one had ever really spoken to me about how hard it can be getting back into riding after a big crash. I’ve seen so many friends, and friends of friends, crash and then 6 weeks later get back on their bikes like it was nothing. Maybe it was nothing to them. I fully expected to be nervous getting back to riding, but I never thought I would find it as hard as I did, and still do. Riding trails I know is my comfort zone at the moment, as can be expected. I have a handful of favourite trails which are my current go to’s. The part that has taken me by surprise is the overwhelming emotion that now comes with riding.
I don’t know when or where this emotion is going to arise and it doesn’t seem to have a particular pattern. I can ride a trail really well, feeling flowy, hitting some features and at the bottom of the trail feel like my world is crumbling. I can’t say why, I still don’t really know. Maybe it’s relief from getting to the bottom, maybe it’s part fear. I know I definitely don’t want to crash again. Other times I have cried when being faced with a challenge. Finding a new trail with a new drop brought a lot of emotions to the surface. My sensible head came on and I pushed around the feature, but in some ways that made me feel worse. Will I ever be able to try new things again? How will I react if I do crash again? I feel like there are a lot of uncertainties at the moment and the mental recovery is taking a lot longer than the physical did.
I know now, moving forward I need to take as much time as I need. Try not to put pressure on myself (which can be hard sometimes) and just enjoy being out on my bike the best I can. My riding focuses have changed. I don’t want to hit big features or collect QOM’s. I think it can be really easy to get wrapped up in the world of Instagram and Strava, comparing yourself to other riders and feeling like you always have to do the next big thing. I know now that I want to focus on getting out on my bike, having fun on the simple trails and that doesn’t need to be every week if I don’t feel like it. I wish there were more stories out there about the mental struggles after crashing as I don’t think it gets put out there all that often.
So if anyone reading this is also struggling after a crash, know that you aren’t the only one. And if this brings comfort to someone to know that it can be hard, and draining and emotional, then that’s my job done. I hope that I can start to enjoy riding the way I once did, but if I don’t then that’s ok too.
Words: Hannah Davies